Monday, 24 August 2009

The Queen and Prince Philip

One might jump to the conclusion that the Queen is clearly punching below her weight due to the fact that Prince Phillip is, by all accounts, a massive racist. But, in my experience, every single person in the whole world over the age of seventy despises everyone of a different ethnic background to themselves. I bet, with few pints in his belly, Nelson Mandela would start ranting about how nowadays the Poles are taking all the Global Peace Ambassador jobs.

Anyway, riddle me this: how come good ol’ Phil is married to the Queen, but isn’t the King? Why, you may ask, does he put up with this sorry state of affairs? Maybe it’s because of her unimaginable wealth; maybe it’s because he likes dressing up in her ermine trimmed capes when she isn’t around; or maybe he’s been driven wild with lust ever since he got to see her crown jewels on the first date. Whatever it is, it’s got to hurt. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a man-servant to replace his soggy pillows every night after he’s cried himself to sleep.

But cutting to the chase, you just wouldn’t put up with being the same rank as your good for nothing grandchildren unless you knew you couldn’t do any better. And thus, a simple conclusion has to be drawn:

Prince Philip, you are punching above your weight.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Alex Turner and Alexa Chung

It’s the age old story: Boy is geek, boy is rejected by countless girls, boy starts band, band is successful, boy becomes rich, boy meets model, model falls for boy. A tale to warm the cockles maybe; but also the foundation for a quandary that has been troubling thinkers since the days of Socrates.

Who, we may ask, is punching above their weight - the gifted, moneyed, yet facially challenged boy, or the talentless, yet aesthetically pleasing, girl?

One way to look at it, is thus. Alexa Chung, at the ripe old age of 25, still has at least a decade before her looks start to wilt and crinkle like the plastic film on a microwave dinner. Alex Turner, however, could wake up tomorrow having lost any ability to string one of his signature ‘I’m a cheeky yet insightful northerner with a heart of gold’ tunes together. Consequently, one could argue that, for the time being at least, her assets are infinitely more reliable than his.

The other way of looking at it is...actually, I’m not going to look at it in any other way, for numerous complicated and protracted reasons which would take far too long to explain in a forum such as this.

And maybe also because I fancy her a bit.

Therefore, Alex Turner, you are punching above your weight.