Wednesday, 8 July 2009

The Declaration

Hello there. My name is Ben.

This is me

And this is my girlfriend

A while ago I had a thought: There is a small possibility that my girlfriend may be marginally more attractive than me. Obviously, I initially dismissed this as a momentary lapse in judgement but, after many a sleepless night, I finally accepted the truth.
I can't say it didn't hurt. I started to feel bad about my appearance. I became paranoid that when we were out everyone thought my girlfriend was a TV presenter who was filming a hard hitting documentary about the mentally disabled. Eventually I stopped leaving the house at all, surviving only on the crumbs down the back of the sofa, condensation on the windows and bi-weekly Ocado deliveries.

But today it all changed. On my way to work I saw a short, dumpy, shamefully ugly woman strolling hand in hand with a a 6'4'' adonis. Suddenly I realised, I am not alone. There are others out there like me, walking day in day out in the aesthetic shadow of their significant other. And boy did it make me feel good.

So I made a declaration:

From this day forth I Ben Samuel will, tirelessly and unswervingly, using all means available to me, track down each and every soul on this planet who is punching above their weight. So help me God.*

*I'm not religious, I just realise this is an unfeasibly large project, and could do with a bit of divine intervention. Amen.


  1. you should do the relationship between Ant n Dec and the Great British public. By the way, it's Ant n Dec. Massively. (Out of Ant and Dec, it's whichever one turned out not to be blind - shame about that)

  2. Your mission to track down, tirelessly and unswervingly, each and every soul on this planet who is punching above their weight surely cannot be over. I demand answers on the relative weight punching status of Celine Dion and her creepy husband 26 years her senior.