Thursday, 16 July 2009
Nonetheless, I still reckon he could do better than David Furnish. If only for the reason that David's face looks like a 2D mask. Hell, it's not the biggest problem in the world, but if I was worth a hundred and seventy million quid it's not something I'd put up with.
Thus, David Furnish, you are punching above your weight.
NB. Have you ever thought its a little odd that Elton John hires someone to write his lyrics, yet they are still utterly awful. For example 'If i were a sculptor, but then again no, or a man who makes potions in a travelling show'. I mean, seriously?
Monday, 13 July 2009
Plus, Paul Daniels can do magic and everyone knows girls love that shit. There is no more potent pulling suit than a dinner jacket, top hat, white gloves and wand. In fact, there's every possibility that Paul is sawing your girlfriend in half right now, if you know what I mean*. Debbie, on the other hand, used to stand around being lovely and now she can't even do that.
Oh, and Paul Daniels is excessively rich. I had one of his magic kits as a child, so I am personally responsible for adding a few pounds to his already well lined pockets.
Consequently, Debbie Mcghee, I pronounce that you are punching above your weight.
*I mean having sex.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Yes, Vernon Kaye and Tess Daley. Now, I realise that he hosts embarrassingly bad Saturday evening quiz shows ('Can you drop a pea into a wine bottle' - I jest not) and she is monumentally stupid, but look a little deeper and it's clear they are perfectly matched. Not only are they both rather attractive, but their careers have taken a similar trajectory. Consequently, they are both equally desirable. Thus neither is punching above their weight. Capiche?
This is me
And this is my girlfriend
A while ago I had a thought: There is a small possibility that my girlfriend may be marginally more attractive than me. Obviously, I initially dismissed this as a momentary lapse in judgement but, after many a sleepless night, I finally accepted the truth.
But today it all changed. On my way to work I saw a short, dumpy, shamefully ugly woman strolling hand in hand with a a 6'4'' adonis. Suddenly I realised, I am not alone. There are others out there like me, walking day in day out in the aesthetic shadow of their significant other. And boy did it make me feel good.
So I made a declaration:
From this day forth I Ben Samuel will, tirelessly and unswervingly, using all means available to me, track down each and every soul on this planet who is punching above their weight. So help me God.*
*I'm not religious, I just realise this is an unfeasibly large project, and could do with a bit of divine intervention. Amen.